It would be stupid of me to pretend that Tinder has not caused more harm than good, especially to younger generations. It seems clear that there are more people suffering negative effects than experiencing positive ones.
But that doesn’t mean that Tinder dating is not a valid way of navigating the complicated dating world in the 21st century.
In this post, I want to quickly explore the negative aspects of Tinder (which probably deserve a long post just for themselves), or other dating apps, and then reflect on those who are still able to find something positive from using them.
I’m not necessarily advocating for everyone to use Tinder, but to show that it can be a useful tool for those that are able to use it wisely.
Note, I’m using Tinder because it’s the most widely used platform worldwide. However, I’m referring to online dating in general.
The negatives
The imbalance of the dating market is significantly accentuated in the social media age, particularly on Tinder. 75% of users are male, and those like one of every 3 profiles on average. Women like 1 of every 16. Roughly, men have a 3% chance of landing a match, women 35%.
The real imbalance becomes apparent when you realize that a disproportionate number of men get nearly all the matches.
This creates a problem on both sides: for the vast majority of men, the experience is frustrating. And for women, they are left having to compete for those men who are most desired, or having to date down. And if dating on Tinder already is stigmatized for women, imagine dating down on Tinder.
So, from the perspective of men, women are entitled and uninterested in them. From the perspective of women, men are just playing games (because they tend to only interact with those who are already interacting with most of other women).
Another negative aspect is the way it affects your attention and reward system. A never-ending supply of pictures from the opposite sex, with the ability to decide if you like them or not, can be overwhelming for our primate brains. Add to that the small possibility of engaging in sexual activity with that person can make the experience, especially for men, very addictive.
Actually, it becomes apparent how much this format appeals to us when we see how many people spend time watching and liking Instagram models on their feed.
Tinder can mess with your confidence, self-image, anxiety, and productivity. I’m linking some studies below 1 2 3, although I believe these results should not come as a surprise to anyone.
So, in general, Tinder is quite dangerous, especially for younger people. Navigating Tinder as 40-year-old that knows what they want is probably a very different experience than as a 19-year-old who is still figuring out a lot of things.
But that doesn’t mean that dating on Tinder is inherently wrong.
I want to explore the idea that some people might get something positive out of it.
The positives
First of all, I believe Tinder gets a lot of its bad reputation because of how new it is and how they market themselves.
We didn’t grow up with movies of princesses falling in love over a swipe, and our grandparents didn’t get to know each other through matching. But a lot of that has to do with Tinder being a new phenomenon.
Centuries ago, it was not acceptable in many social circles to end up with someone who was not introduced by a family member. Meeting someone at a disco must have been very unusual when young people started doing that, and I’m sure not everyone in society approved of couples who met because they worked together when that started to happen.
My point is that our norms and rules change over time, and online dating is simply a natural progression that has come about with the invention of the internet. And we just need a bit of time to get used to this being a thing.
It might not be the most romantic thing we can imagine, but the real importance of romance comes once you already know each other.
The other issue is how many dating sites, especially Tinder, present themselves. The name suggests that it’s flammable, quick. They market the platform as a platform for quick romances. That doesn’t help if you’re more interested in a committed relationship.
That image makes people look at anyone related with platform with a lot of misstrust, and puts those users that are looking for something else than a fling in a weird spot.
And yes, there are sites that are designed more ideally for the people that are more serious (and those that specifically just want sex). However, in most regions, Tinder has the largest market share and a wide mix of people, which means that the highest probability of finding someone is there.
Another thing to consider is that dating has become more private. Maybe people want the opportunity to meet without friends or family watching over them, and maybe that is not a negative thing.
If I talk with someone at a bar on a night out, I know that both my friends and their friends are watching, and there will have to be a lot of explaining afterward.
Online dating gives you the opportunity for a quick introduction to each other without the fear of being watched or judged.
And I don’t know how dating was in the past, but I know that today it’s a mess. Everyone that is not in a relationship, and even some that are, are struggling with numerous challenges and uncertainties around them. And in that context, privatizing your dating life, and feeling that you have a certain level of control over it, can be beneficial.
What I think is crucial in that scenario, though, is knowing what it is that you are looking for. If you’re unsure or just want to entretain yourself, Tinder is going to be a challenging experience for you.
Which brings me to another key strength of the site: as long as you have realistic expectations about the people you want to meet, the platform opens up a lot of options that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. The probability of meeting the type of person you want to meet is higher on Tinder than if you wait for it to happen in everyday life.
To counterbalance that, you also face increased competition.
Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room: It’s simply not a very romantic way to meet someone. It’s true. Although it is very logical that online dating has emerged, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not as romantic as what we’ve come to expect. Similar to blind dating events, for example.
Intentional dating has removed the spontaneity of unexpectedly meeting someone. But that is not the case with most couples. They met at work, through friends, or at a cousin’s reunion, and start to slowly see each other as something more overtime.
But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re going to be swept off your feet if you find the right person anyway. The thrill of meeting someone for the first time will be there. The sentiment at first sight. The getting-to-know. The nervousness before the following dates. The uncertainty if they like you back. The memorable first kiss. The first embarrassing moments together. The timid laughter. The creation of memories.
In reality, it’s not how you meet, but who you meet.
I’m choosing a happy love story that began on Tinder over Romeo and Juliet every day.
And honestly, if you’re both able to sift through all the hay to find what you’re looking for on a platform like Tinder, that’s already a very good sign.
The takeaway
Nearly all technologies have bad and good sides. I believe it’s good to question both – specially the side that’s often overlooked. Some inventions get a very good reputation and we’re quick to jump on them, without questioning too much their negatives (like AI or online shopping). Some others get popular but with a bad reputation, and leaves those that have gotten something positive out of it confused.
Tinder has a lot of room to improve, for sure. The danger the platform poses for everyone (but specially for young men) is well documented, and it’s clear that it exploits a lot of people for benefits.
I believe for most people on the platform, it is harming them a lot. There are different ways of using it and most will negatively affect you.
That doesn’t mean that Tinder is not a serious option for a lot of people nowadays – especially those that have a clearer idea of what they want.
Getting to know people is not easy, and Tinder is an opportunity to concentrate that effort in a way you can more or less control. It won’t work for most people, but the ones for whom it does will have found a very good way of using innovation to their advantage.
- Jessica Strubel, Trent A. Petrie,
Love me Tinder: Body image and psychosocial functioning among men and women, Body Image, Volume 21, 2017, Pages 34-38, ISSN 1740-1445, ↩︎ - Holtzhausen, N., Fitzgerald, K., Thakur, I. et al. Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study. BMC Psychol 8, 22 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-020-0373-1 ↩︎
- Rodgers, R.F., Campagna, J., Attawala, R. et al. In the eye of the swiper: a preliminary analysis of the relationship between dating app use and dimensions of body image. Eat Weight Disord 25, 1469–1473 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40519-019-00754-0 ↩︎
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